Kids vs No Kds' Controversy

 

I'm taking a moment to address this conversation because I find it to be very disturbing. I have seen this take place many times before and I think this is a great platform to share my point of view. This topic usually comes up when someone posts about not having children by choice. It always seems to rattle some feathers. The context is generally a participation of something trending that others perceive as a celebration of independence due to this particular decision. I find it weird that this topic comes up in this way. I understand that we now have the ability to peek into others' lives more than we have ever before. I also understand that when someone is married and doesn't have children, there's a natural tendency to want to know why. 

I think the problem comes, when people start to judge others' decisions and at times project their own choices onto others. There are many reasons for a couple to not have children, and none of them are anyone else's business. I believe that although the curiosity is natural, it doesn't mean you should have that access to someone's life unless they bring it up. We should all have boundaries of what we think is appropriate to share with strangers. However, when someone does decide to disclose, we also shouldn't be quick to share our thoughts on it. There is so much more behind it that we will never know.

There are many mothers and families that have chosen to publicly share their journeys. Some will include their struggles, usually to find others on similar journeys who can relate. This fosters a community that can help and support each other but it also leaves room for critique. If you look further people will comment about how them sharing has confirmed their reasoning for not wanting a family.

During the pandemic, it became quite clear to me that there a definitely those out there who have kids they don't particularly like. I saw so many complaints, it was honestly alarming and unsettling along with the relationships that didn't survive as well. At the start, I was still homeschooling and my husband ran his business from home, so not much changed in our household as far as time together. I quickly realized that was a blessing because so many voiced their discomfort in having to spend time with their own family I was baffled.

I know from experience that parenting can be one of the top most challenging ventures one can take, I'm factoring marriage as the other. So I get it. I understand the desire to express frustrations in hopes to connect with others who can relate. People want to feel seen. If no one discusses their struggles, they don't get the validation from realizing that other people feel the same.  So the conversations definitely deserve a place and are necessary. However there are those who regret having kids and though they might not actually have the courage to say it directly, they do so in other ways.

I think when people see those "celebrating" their choice and lifestyle, others are triggered. Comparison begins to arise and negativity follows. We need to respect each other's differences and accept that our life journeys are all different. I remember years ago, I went shopping with my best friend during a trip back home. We have always had similar taste in style and occasionally brought the same items. During this trip, we had our eyes on a pair of boots. Initially we thought the boots were $40 and we both were going to get them. My friend was ahead of me in line and when the cashier rang them up, turns out the boots were actually $140 and we misread the sticker. After our initial shock, my friend decides to buy them anyway, but I realized that price was not in my budget. My friend was single with no kids so she had disposable income that I didn't have as a married mother of 3 who didn't work. So I put the boots back and later on brought a pair that I could afford. By that time, I had realized that often I was seeing people do things I couldn't and it was up to me what impact that would have. In this season I learned to accept and even celebrate with others because I understood that my journey was different and whatever I viewed as holding me back, was only temporary.

I hope that was encouraging to whoever may be in that season feeling similarly. There will always be someone who has something we don't have, but how we respond is in our own power. I created this platform to support all wives, with or without kids. I believe we all face similar issues and should have a place to discuss them. Since I do have kids, though now adults, I do reference them because I know other moms can relate but I never want anyone to feel excluded. 

When I see the conversations around this topic, I feel it's the kids who end up being discounted. It's their value that is measured and they are divided between being a blessing or a curse. I don't understand the attitude of my choice means I have a better life than someone else's. There are those who view marriage with children more superior then without and vice versa. Then you have acronyms such as DINKS (double income, no kids) that bring further division. I still don't understand why anyone felt the need to convey what is already obvious other than to stir up conflict. Reminder, our value shouldn't come from life's circumstance but rather who we are in Christ. These topics are also quite insensitive to those who may want families but can't conceive. We need to start taking into account the impact of others when we engage in these conversations. We also need to respect the choices and decisions of others that are none of our business, since as mentioned previously, we will never know the full story. I hope this brings some clarity into why these conversations can be quite harmful. Please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences so we can learn from each other.